The last time some of us dated, you met people at a bar and hoped for the best. Now there are apps, prompts, voice notes and something called ‘breadcrumbing’. If you’re re-entering after a long relationship, it can feel like you’ve walked onto a film set halfway through the shoot and nobody gave you the script.

The bigger adjustment, though, is you. You’re a different person from the one who last did this. Back then, you were looking for someone to build a life with. Now you already have one: maybe kids, maybe a mortgage, definitely a very specific way you like the dishwasher stacked. The question used to be whether they’d like you. Now it’s whether they deserve a place in what you’ve built.

For context on how much the rest has changed: a Stanford study found that by 2017, about 39% of heterosexual couples in the US had met online, making it the most common way couples meet.

So yes, you probably do have to download the app. Here’s how to ease back in without losing the plot. I say this because I have done this.

Wait until you’re curious, not lonely

Lonely makes you settle. Curious makes you choosy. You’ll know the difference.

A quick gut check before you download anything:

  • Could you hear your ex is seeing someone and not spiral for a week?
  • Are you looking for someone to add to your life, or someone to fill a hole in it?
  • Would you be fine if the first ten dates were duds?

If you answered yes, yes and yes, you’re ready.

Learn the new vocabulary

A short glossary, so nobody can breadcrumb you without you knowing it’s happening:

  • Breadcrumbing: just enough attention to keep you interested, never enough to go anywhere. The occasional ‘hey stranger’ text.
  • Ghosting: disappearing without a word. Rude, common, and almost never about you.
  • Love bombing: intense affection, compliments and future-planning far too early. Feels amazing. Is a red flag.
  • Orbiting: they stopped replying, but they still watch every Instagram story.
  • Situationship: more than friends, less than a relationship, with no agreed label. (Canon event. See What I wish I’d known in month one.)
  • Soft launch: posting a hand, a shoulder or two glasses of wine, before posting the actual person.

Write a profile that sounds like you

Skip ‘loves travel and a good wine’. Everyone does. One specific, slightly odd detail does more work than ten adjectives. ‘Will judge you on your coffee order, lovingly’ beats ‘down to earth and easygoing’ every time.

On photos:

  • Use recent ones. Taken this year, not three haircuts ago.
  • Lead with a clear, solo photo where you can see your face. No sunglasses.
  • Add one full-length photo and one of you doing something you love.
  • Leave out group shots where people have to guess which one is you.
  • And please, no photos with an ex badly cropped out. We can see the arm.

Decide your non-negotiables first

Write down three things you won’t compromise on before you open an app. Then actually stick to them. It’s easy to forget your own rules when someone is charming over text.

If you’ve come out of a relationship where you deferred a lot, this step matters even more. It’s practice in knowing what you want, and saying it.

The trauma dump (and how to not)

A confession. On my early dates after my divorce, I could not stop trauma dumping. I knew I was doing it. It was like watching a car crash I could see coming, and I still couldn’t stop myself.

It’s also why I can now spot a newly divorced person a mile away. The trauma dump is always on the tip of their tongue. I recognise it because I was it.

So, with love, here’s how to handle the divorce conversation:

  • Give the logline, not the feature film. Something like: ‘I was married for a long time, we separated a couple of years ago, we’re co-parenting and it’s fine.’ Done.
  • If you feel the dump coming, change the subject to them. Ask a question. It buys you a breath, and they’ll love being asked.
  • Don’t bad-mouth your ex. Even if they deserve it. It tells your date more about where you are than where they are.
  • Notice how they respond. Curious and kind is a good sign. Nosy or weird about it is useful information.
  • Save the deep stuff for later. Trust takes time, and date one is too soon to hand it over.

And if you do dump? Forgive yourself. Everyone does it once.

It just means you’re not quite ready yet, and that’s good to know too.

From the app to real life

Endless texting is how good matches go stale and bad ones stay hidden.

If you’re both keen, suggest meeting within a week or two. A quick video call first is a great filter: two minutes of chat tells you more than two weeks of messages.

Safety, without the drama

None of this is paranoid. It’s just how grown-ups date now.

  • Check they’re real. A reverse image search on their photos catches a lot of fake profiles.
  • Meet somewhere public and busy, and get yourself there and home.
  • Tell a friend where you’re going, who with, and when you’ll check in.
  • Keep the details back early on: your address, workplace and kids’ school can wait.
  • Never send money. If someone you haven’t met has a sudden emergency that needs cash, it’s a scam. Every time.
  • Trust your gut. You are allowed to leave a date early. You don’t owe anyone the whole drink.

For more, see the eSafety Commissioner and SA Police’s online dating advice.

Green flags and red flags

The greenest flag of all: when you go on a date with someone who is so healed they can barely recall everything that happened.

Or at least, they’ve contextualised it and worked through it. They can talk about their past without it taking over the table. If you find that person, you’ve struck gold.

Other green flags: they ask questions back. They make plans and keep them. They’re kind to waiters. They talk about their ex without bitterness.

Most importantly, you feel calm, not anxious, after seeing them.

Red flags: they rush intimacy or the future. They’re hot and cold. They push past a no, even a small one. They’re vague about whether they’re actually single. And you feel like you’re auditioning every time.

Chemistry isn’t compatibility

Remember this one, because you will forget it. Chemistry in the bedroom does not always equal compatibility. You think it does. It doesn’t.

Being able to orgasm is very different to being able to unpack the dishwasher.

Great chemistry is a lovely bonus. But the things that make a relationship work are much less sexy: how they handle a bad day, whether they do what they say, and whether you can share a kitchen without it becoming a hostage negotiation. Give it time to show you both.

Kids come later

If you’re a parent, there’s no rush to introduce anyone. Your kids have had enough plot twists. Wait until it’s serious, consistent and you’re sure, then keep the first meeting short and low-key.

It’s allowed to be fun

Not every date needs to be ‘the one’. Some are just a good story. A few will be a terrible story, which is arguably more valuable. Write them all down. That’s what The Plotline is for.

xox Meghan